Question:

Going to be brutally honest here…         Why, How and When he left isn’t relevant anymore.  How much child support he pays and whether or not it’s fair is a seperate issue.  The bottom line is that you wanted to move somewhere.  *Your move somewhere should have zero effect on his relationship with the kids.*  There are two ways that it can effect it – time and money.  Time apparently will not differ because he had already moved far enough away that plane travel is necessary.  Money a little bit because the plane far costs a bit more for the extra distance.  For your move to have no effect on him, you will have to pay for the difference in plane fare.   Merrie Note – We’re not NCPs.  So I guess if we moved we’d be the ones to pay. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -peg boucher murphy wrote: > In article <363FB8FD.1…@usa.net>, > SoccerStepMom  <soccerstep…@usa.net> wrote: > >Sorry to say, it sounds like you need to find a promotion in your same > >area, even if that means finding a different company.  Parents with > >shared custody don’t have the freedom to relocate, unless they are > >willing to leave the child behind. > <nod>  good points, ssm. > more questions about moving…  specifically: > i have some questions to ncp’s here (step and otherwise). > my ex left me for someone else, including a secretly planned move > to another state 1,000 miles away.  (she and he didn’t last.)  he > left me in *dire* financial straights, too.  <sigh>  no child support > for the first year or so (part of which i was out of work) and he > visited with them a total of ~5 weeks over the first 2 years. > he cancelled visits, and kept promising to move back to be near > his kids (legal joint custody was part of that deal). > well, to make a long story short, he got a great job there (and > now pays *very* minimal child support — that’s another story and > in the courts), married a woman who i think is a really good person > and step-mom to my kids (but generally won’t talk to me much at > all — i think he’s told her horror stories or something) and is > local there.  all talk of moving back here (where he had a good > job waiting, btw) stopped, and he started > a) talking (again) about me and my family moving out there (i > never wanted to live where he is and he knows it) > b) angling for custody of first one and now one other of the > three kids. > this came to a head because b and i stayed in chicago for a lot > longer than we would have because his (and thus my kids and really, > mine now, too, but that gets some of the people here upset) family > (my ex-mil and her hubby) were living in chicago, and he (the ex) > was going to come back.  then ex-mil et al moved away, too, and > my only family here died.  so we decided to pick up and go where > we always wanted to live, where my two favorite sisters and our best > friends live, where there are good jobs in b’s field… > san francisco. > he thinks that this is totally unreasonable behavior, that after > 7 years of waiting for him to move back (even though he’s now said > that he won’t), we should either stay put or move towards him (he’s > on the east coast).  he’s even said it is to save him transportation > costs.  <sigh>  our kids are thriving out here (they’ve had no > asthma attacks since we’ve moved, for example!  asthma was a big > issue in chicago and is on the east coast), b has a great job, > we like the schools (for the kids and me), there is family and > friends for all of us, and the ex is making a fuss. > am i being completely unreasonable here? > peg > -who notes that the money stuff is part of it, because he has never > increased child support and it was set when he was an intern — he’s > now an attending physician — and he pays all transportation costs. > i look at what some people here get in child support and am amazed. > anyway, he now wants me to pick up some of the transportation costs > and that would really stretch our tight budget out of bounds…

Response:

In article <363FB8FD.1…@usa.net>, SoccerStepMom  <soccerstep…@usa.net> wrote: >Sorry to say, it sounds like you need to find a promotion in your same >area, even if that means finding a different company.  Parents with >shared custody don’t have the freedom to relocate, unless they are >willing to leave the child behind.

<nod>  good points, ssm. more questions about moving…  specifically:   i have some questions to ncp’s here (step and otherwise).   my ex left me for someone else, including a secretly planned move to another state 1,000 miles away.  (she and he didn’t last.)  he left me in *dire* financial straights, too.  <sigh>  no child support for the first year or so (part of which i was out of work) and he visited with them a total of ~5 weeks over the first 2 years.   he cancelled visits, and kept promising to move back to be near his kids (legal joint custody was part of that deal). well, to make a long story short, he got a great job there (and now pays *very* minimal child support — that’s another story and in the courts), married a woman who i think is a really good person and step-mom to my kids (but generally won’t talk to me much at all — i think he’s told her horror stories or something) and is local there.  all talk of moving back here (where he had a good job waiting, btw) stopped, and he started a) talking (again) about me and my family moving out there (i never wanted to live where he is and he knows it) b) angling for custody of first one and now one other of the three kids.   this came to a head because b and i stayed in chicago for a lot longer than we would have because his (and thus my kids and really, mine now, too, but that gets some of the people here upset) family (my ex-mil and her hubby) were living in chicago, and he (the ex) was going to come back.  then ex-mil et al moved away, too, and my only family here died.  so we decided to pick up and go where we always wanted to live, where my two favorite sisters and our best friends live, where there are good jobs in b’s field… san francisco. he thinks that this is totally unreasonable behavior, that after 7 years of waiting for him to move back (even though he’s now said that he won’t), we should either stay put or move towards him (he’s on the east coast).  he’s even said it is to save him transportation costs.  <sigh>  our kids are thriving out here (they’ve had no asthma attacks since we’ve moved, for example!  asthma was a big issue in chicago and is on the east coast), b has a great job, we like the schools (for the kids and me), there is family and friends for all of us, and the ex is making a fuss. am i being completely unreasonable here? peg -who notes that the money stuff is part of it, because he has never increased child support and it was set when he was an intern — he’s now an attending physician — and he pays all transportation costs. i look at what some people here get in child support and am amazed. anyway, he now wants me to pick up some of the transportation costs and that would really stretch our tight budget out of bounds…

Response:

Yes he does pick her up for his time, but usually he takes her to his parents and then goes his way.  When I said she was with us pretty much full time, I meant during the school year which is 10 mo. out of the year. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Hi – I am a little confused by your description of the circumstances: >In one part, you say that the daughter is with her Dad 3 weekends a >month during the school year, and  basically half of each week in the >summer.  Yet in another part you say that she has been with you pretty >much full time.  Does that mean the Dad is not taking advantage of the >time he has? >If so, perhaps you could petition to move.  But if the Dad really is >spending as much time parenting this child as the court order indicates, >you really would be disrupting the relationship between the Dad and >daughter if you moved. >Is the Dad exercising the time share he fought for? >SSM

Response:

lagnaf wrote: > Yes he does pick her up for his time, but usually he takes her to his > parents and then goes his way.  When I said she was with us pretty much full > time, I meant during the school year which is 10 mo. out of the year.

With all due respect, if the Dad is seeing her 3 weekends a month during the school year, he is a pretty major factor in her life – that’s 80% of her free time!   Is there any possibility that he is not a jerk at all, just a man who had to fight hard to have an equal chance to raise the daughter he loves?  Are you sure it’s about spite and not love?   Sorry to say, it sounds like you need to find a promotion in your same area, even if that means finding a different company.  Parents with shared custody don’t have the freedom to relocate, unless they are willing to leave the child behind. SSM (Married to a custodial Dad whose ex has regular visitation,  I also had to change companies to advance, because I am committed to living in the same city as the boys’ Mom.  Perhaps the difference is, I knew that these were the terms going into the marriage.) – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> >Hi – I am a little confused by your description of the circumstances: > >In one part, you say that the daughter is with her Dad 3 weekends a > >month during the school year, and  basically half of each week in the > >summer.  Yet in another part you say that she has been with you pretty > >much full time.  Does that mean the Dad is not taking advantage of the > >time he has? > >If so, perhaps you could petition to move.  But if the Dad really is > >spending as much time parenting this child as the court order indicates, > >you really would be disrupting the relationship between the Dad and > >daughter if you moved. > >Is the Dad exercising the time share he fought for? > >SSM

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -lagnaf wrote: > Hello, >      This is my first post to this NG.  I have been reading posts for a few > weeks and looking for a little insight.  I am the Step Father of a 6 yo > girl.  Her mother and I have been together for a little over 4 1/2 years and > married for close for 2.  My wives ex-husband has done everything in his > power to cause as much trouble as possible as far as custody goes.  My wife > has custody M-F during the week for school and one weekend a month.  In the > summer the ex has her Thursday through Sunday and we Sunday the Thursday. > The custody battle and I due mean battle lasted almost two full years, three > court appearances, psyche evaluations , lots of $$$ etc, etc, etc.  ( just > some background) Now the question.  During all of this I worked for a very > large company and was offered and had to turned down many promotion offers > which involved moving from several hours away to the possibility of several > states away, we live in PA, and I could end up anywhere from Ma. to NC.  I > guess I am wondering what chance I have of taking a promotion and my wife > custody getting all messed up.  Her ex is not a guy who will compromise and > went through 2 lawyers himself and the second almost quit on him also > because his is a real piece of work.  Sense my wives daughter has been with > us pretty much full time for most of the year, if things got nasty with the > ex again what chances we would have of keeping our daughter with us?  We > cant afford another 2 year court battle and I am very tired and frustrated > of keeping myself back and not being able to provide all I can for my > family.  We could be doing allot better.  Just looking for someone else that > has been through this or knows how this has turned out before.   Thanks for > the ear!

Hi – I am a little confused by your description of the circumstances: In one part, you say that the daughter is with her Dad 3 weekends a month during the school year, and  basically half of each week in the summer.  Yet in another part you say that she has been with you pretty much full time.  Does that mean the Dad is not taking advantage of the time he has?   If so, perhaps you could petition to move.  But if the Dad really is spending as much time parenting this child as the court order indicates, you really would be disrupting the relationship between the Dad and daughter if you moved. Is the Dad exercising the time share he fought for? SSM

Response:

Hello,      This is my first post to this NG.  I have been reading posts for a few weeks and looking for a little insight.  I am the Step Father of a 6 yo girl.  Her mother and I have been together for a little over 4 1/2 years and married for close for 2.  My wives ex-husband has done everything in his power to cause as much trouble as possible as far as custody goes.  My wife has custody M-F during the week for school and one weekend a month.  In the summer the ex has her Thursday through Sunday and we Sunday the Thursday. The custody battle and I due mean battle lasted almost two full years, three court appearances, psyche evaluations , lots of $$$ etc, etc, etc.  ( just some background) Now the question.  During all of this I worked for a very large company and was offered and had to turned down many promotion offers which involved moving from several hours away to the possibility of several states away, we live in PA, and I could end up anywhere from Ma. to NC.  I guess I am wondering what chance I have of taking a promotion and my wife custody getting all messed up.  Her ex is not a guy who will compromise and went through 2 lawyers himself and the second almost quit on him also because his is a real piece of work.  Sense my wives daughter has been with us pretty much full time for most of the year, if things got nasty with the ex again what chances we would have of keeping our daughter with us?  We cant afford another 2 year court battle and I am very tired and frustrated of keeping myself back and not being able to provide all I can for my family.  We could be doing allot better.  Just looking for someone else that has been through this or knows how this has turned out before.   Thanks for the ear!

Response:

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